When Life Changes Your Perspective

You've heard people say that there are certain things that you cannot know until you've lived it. Such things as the love of a parent for a child, the loss of a parent, marriage, etc... Each time I experience a life change like this it makes me more compassionate toward others. I mean seriously how many times was I annoyed by parents "allowing"their children act unruly, that is until I had my own. Now, most of the time, I feel sympathetic and grateful it is not me. I think there is much to be said for parenting and discipline, but there is a whole side of personality that plays into the picture too. If you disagree, keep having more children and odds are you'll experience what I mean. For instance we thought Bella was strong-willed..... until Emery came along.
On a more serious note though, things have been somewhat quiet around here lately because we've experienced one of those life changing moments. The day before we went to visit my dad we found out we were pregnant. I was surprised and so excited. For a long time now we've been praying that God would show us whether we are to have more kids biologically, through adoption, or be done. Finding out we were pregnant was such an answer to prayer! Five days later things took a turn and we raced off to my doctor's office. We had an early miscarriage.

Wow! Did not see that coming. I mean I have already had 2 children, what was going on?

I was at total peace through that day, trusting God's sovereignty. Sad, but knowing God is good and his ways are higher than ours. It's times like this where you can feel the strength of God under your feet.
The next week was a foggy place. I went through a time of mourning our loss and allowing God to comfort me. I was o.k. and had peace about what happened. But then why was I still in a fog? Like I couldn't shake a sadness. I couldn't place it for awhile. It seemed silly considering we only knew we were pregnant for 5 days. One day, my mother-in-law had our girls and Jamie and I had a day to ourselves. We were running some errands and I was talking to him about this. As we were talking I realized that I had kept myself from desiring another pregnancy and baby until God had given us a child. Somewhere in those 5 days I had accepted God's gift and allowed my desire to unfold. Then suddenly, it was like someone pulled the rug out from under me. While I was o.k. with what had happened, I was left with a desire that may or may not be fulfilled in the future. So right there in the middle of the cat toy aisle at Target I cried. The fear of not being able to have another child and knowing that it was such a strong desire scared me. This is where I knew if God didn't show up I was going to sink...fast. I had a desire that very likely would not be fulfilled. I was relieved to know the root of what was going on so I could RUN to God, I knew I was in over my head. I've never been so excited to surrender my heart and trade in my fear for His promises. He is so good to us, like the best daddy, His love makes it feel all better. Even if I don't understand, I trust that He does.
Now we are doing pretty well. Just trusting God to guide our steps. I look forward to seeing where He leads us. I think this has definitely made me more compassionate toward others and what they are going through. I would just encourage anyone going through any struggle emotionally to RUN to God and allow Him to reconcile your heart. Even in this short time since our loss, my faith in God's goodness is stronger, my marriage is stronger and I love more fully than I did before and for that I am thankful.